An Email Exposing a Weakened Heart

May 25, 2020

…Which brings me to today’s thoughts:

As I graze newspaper article headlines and sometimes read the articles if I am allowed, or review my emails which are unbearably all political or about saving the planet, or open them to unveil the Paris Review or the Daily Om, or some other intellectual, art-related, museum oriented news, I just have realized how I will look at what is the most important, especially regarding the pandemic, and dismiss everything else with the delete button, because I cannot deal with it for the most part or assess that none of this information matters.

Nothing takes my attention away, except cursorily, from the ongoing angst. The onus of the angst. 

Sure, those issues I am directly involved with or my friends warrant an direct response. 

But caring seems to have no draw on me anymore. Perhaps it is my age, my fear of the future.

The satisfaction of observing the natural theater of the blossoms on the overgrown apple tree and the myriad of birds that flock to the tree is fleeting but nonetheless exists outside my office window.

The sun disappeared for today.

I cannot imagine the truths of hope and optimism. Perhaps, if I could only step out of the emotional and intellectual box, it would be easier to experience this time. Perhaps, by writing this, I am compelled to attend to the next thing and then the next.

We, and by we, I mean many presently living people in my coterie of kind, have built ourselves of cavern of delight walled by screens to the outside. We have lulled ourselves into believing in the infinite “everything’s going to be ok” syndrome.

I believe so much in those who are doing right by the world to improve it. I wish that I had seen myself in that active role beyond how I studied it in the ’70s. 

…How we do with our minds to shape our world, not necessarily with materiality but with experiences, takes precedence. Makes me think about how to dissolve my work as soon as it has been seen. Something there about wrapping it all up. And then going somewhere else…

Maybe not. I have been thinking about how to condense 50 years worth of work into a tiny space for ages. I am closer to solutions. 

I want my impact to be how I thought about things…

And how people responded. And how many people I truly loved.

With Square & Circles Black Gold Silver, 2017

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